LOBSTER LINGO

Tickle Stick [ti-kəl stik]

- Noun

1. A long skinny rod typically made of metal or fiberglass used to coax lobsters out from underneath rocks, ledges and holes. A lobsterman's main weapon in the fight against the bugs.

Example: I dropped my tickle stick when the lobster almost escaped from my net.

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

Oregon Man Steals the Name "Captain Awesome"

Douglas Allen Smith Jr. says he changed his name to Captain Awesome last month because he was inspired by the nickname of a character on the NBC television show "Chuck" — Dr. Devon "Captain Awesome" Woodcomb.

The unemployed Eugene cabinet installer says he found it funny Woodcomb's father gave him that nickname because a "poor nickname builds good character."

The former Mr. Smith says he faced a Lane County judge who questioned his seriousness. The judge that granted the request made him swear he wasn't changing his name for fraudulent reasons.

Awesome says that judge also allowed him to sign his name as a right arrow, a smiley face and a left arrow.

He says his bank, however, has refused to accept the signature because it could be forged too easily. SF Chronicle

If you are wondering who that asshole in the picture is, its apparently the fake "Captain Awesome" number one, from the TV Show "Chuck." Yeah I know, I've never seen it either.

I'm not sure if I am more pissed that the "Chuck" writers obviously read our blog and straight stole our shit, or that this guy is giving them the credit for this nickname, or that we didn't drunkenly decide to legally change John's name to Captain Awesome before this jerk-off did.

As much as I refuse to believe that anyone who regularly watches "Chuck" deserves the name Captain Awesome, his signature idea is pretty boss. Screw his local bank, when is the last time anyone at a bank ever actually matched up signatures on anything. I could sign my name with a drawing of a dick and no one would notice... in fact I know I could, Sack does it all the time.

PIRATE MUSIC

Flogging Molly - Seven Deadly Sins

AFTER THE CATCH

Cleaning the Lobster

Well congratulations, you have a cooler full of fresh lobster and you managed to get back to your house without running aground or being pirated for your booty. But now what do you do with all those squealing bugs? Well killer... it's time to kill. You didn't think lobster hunting was all glitter and sparkles did you? You are a lobster hunter, they are your prey, and its time to wring those bastards like the scum they are. No, its not pretty but its a necessity, and a great way to break in some newbies.

Cleaning lobsters is pretty simple, but there are a few steps that any lobster pirate needs to know in order to quickly and efficiently tear through that pile of keepers. The first step is to take the lobster in both hands, place one on the carapace (head) and one on the tail. Rotate the lobster in opposite directions and pull the carapace and tail apart from one another.

Before discarding the head break off one of the antenna, this will become a necessary tool in the next step. If you are a pimp and have a house on a canal, be aware that you may not toss the heads in the canal. Save them in a cooler or a bucket and take them out to the ocean later to dump them.

ROOKIE MISTAKE ALERT: Make sure that you throw out the head and NOT the tail. Yes, it has happened, don't laugh. Plus, that was back when you could thrown the heads in the canals, so that lobster tail was some lucky fish's dinner instead of ours.

Next take the lobster tail and turn it over, you will notice a small hole near the end of the tail. Yes, this is the poop shoot, I never said this was going to be pretty. Take the broken antenna (thick end first) and insert it into the lobster's ass. Jam it in there good, because if your gonna do something at least do it right. Pull out the antenna and it should drag with it the lobster's intestines... or whatever it is.

That's it, your lobster is now clean and read to store, cook, or barter with.

Thanks to All Kayak Fishing for the pics.

MY OFFICIAL COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN

Sure the 2011 mini season is still about 9 months away, however last night my own personal countdown trigger was pulled.

Every year leading up to mini season, and yes I do consider 9 months away leading up, I will start to have incredibly vivid dreams about the upcoming trip. They are always almost identical.

• We are out on day 1 catching bugs.
• We realize too late that we missed the first slack tide (which would be my fault).
  
• We don't get our day one limit.
• We struggle to limit on day two.

No joke, I have had this dream more times than I can count on my fingers. Obviously this is an incredibly stressful dream for me. I will then undoubtedly wake up from the dream and my mind will begin to race, making plans for the upcoming year. I think about what our strategy will be to start the opening day this year, what we can do better than the prior year, what new techniques or tools we need to bring down with us, how do we need to change our budget, etc.

I also start to worry about the logistics of the trip. This year already has two big question marks:

1. When am I going to be able to make it down.
2. Who will be our 8? We only have room for 8 on the boat (and that is stretching it) but this year we are likely going to have at least 9 guys that want to come. Those guys that are on the waiting list are going to be pissed if they can't get back in this year.

I legitimately woke up at around 5 am last night after this dream and thought about this stuff until I got out of bed around 7. Moral of the story: a lot of thought goes into mini season on our end, so come prepared.

I am also guessing that I am probably the only one in the entire world that begins to strategize in November for the upcoming mini season the following July.

LOBSTER BUST

FWC Seizes 345 Shorts from Lobster Boat

State wildlife officials made their biggest illegal lobster seizure of the 2010-11 season in the Florida Keys Thursday night.
About 345 undersized lobsters were seized from the 40-foot Trinity on Stock Island at 7 p.m. after it returned from a six-day fishing trip with 5,000 pounds of lobsters worth about $30,000, said Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) spokesman Bobby Dube. KeysNews

Well, sucks to be them. Nothing like 345 shorts to really put a dent in your profit margins. This is why you need to hire a full-time measuring man like Sack. What he lacks in catching prowess he more than makes up for in ability to put a plastic gauge on top of a lobster.

The best part of the article is probably the commentators. A bunch of the captain's family were trying to defend him and everyone else was just ripping on them. Gotta love the internet commentator veil of secrecy.

LOBSTER LINGO

Hookah [hook-uh]

- Noun

1. An floating air compressor used by lame amateur divers that supplies them with air while underwater. An alternative to using a scuba tank, in which the diver is attached to a hose that feeds to the surface where a gas powered motor provides a continuous supply or air.

2. A water pipe used to smoke flavored tobacco known as shisha.

Synonyms: third lung

Example: I hope that douche with the hookah drowns.

Mini Season 2011 Update

I realize that many of you were anxiously awaiting an update on the status of lobster mini season 2011.

After much negotiating, phone calls, and visits to potential locations we have successfully turned a potentially season ending situation around.

While we are not 100% out of the dark yet, it does appear that the season will go off as planned. It will require some travel and work by all attendees but it can definitely be done. In addition to planning for the last week in July, it now appears that there will be a recommended meeting for all in Minneapolis over the weekend of July 9th.

Please stay tuned for future updates.

LOBSTER SEASON OFF TO STRONG START

Mini Season Catch is Not Making Me Rich

"Spiny lobsters are abundant in supply and demand is strong, according to several of the state's largest lobster producers who provided data to the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services," said an agency report Thursday.

Dockside prices paid to fishermen this season have been running $5.50 to $5.25 per pound, according to reports. A legal size lobster generally weighs about a pound.

At the start of the 2009 season, the poor economy and frozen lobster left from the previous year pushed wholesale prices down to just about $3 per pound -- a rate not seen since the 1980s. KeysNet


I am as glad as anyone that the lobster population is plentiful this year, we can skip that part of this news article. The real reason for this post was to bitch that the twelve tails I brought home are only worth $60 and the year before that they were only worth $36! I know you can't put a price on fun but c'mon, at least give me triple digits here.

As much as I love the Keys, after reading this, there is no way I envy fishermen down there anymore. I mean how many bugs do you have to catch just to break even? Probably like 50,000. I mean its a pain in the ass just to catch twelve, no thank you, I'll keep doing my fishing at Publix.

P.S. Those "trap molesters" (as the article so eloquently puts it) are damn ballsy. I don't even want to know what some crazy, old, salty fisherman making $3 per lobster would do if he caught you stealing from his trap.

SMART PHONE BACKGROUNDS

In case anyone wants the flag image for their phone background here are two versions that should hopefully work. If they don't let me know.

Droid

iPhone

MINI SEASON PHOTOS 2010

Thanks to Burns we actually have photos of this trip, check them out here.

IS IT REALLY OVER?

51 More Weeks Until Mini Season 2011

Congratulations on another successful hunt... unfortunately the Ghost Lobster escaped again but we found plenty of his friends, so I'm not gonna complain. Here are some observations from this year's trip:

     1.     There seemed to be less boats out this year then previous years, the lobsters better send BP a Christmas card.

     2.     When your captain is wearing a pink and black Speedo, the FWC lets the Coast Guard handle the boarding of that vessel.

     3.     For all the threats of oil and tropical storms leading up to this season, the water could not have been more calm and clear.

     4.     Don't believe the hype, Keystone Light is not as smooth as Keith Stone, and it may make your feet swell... just a heads up.

     5.     People who drive vans for a living are sketchy, period.

     6.     Having random sketchy people around can and will make for an interesting night.

     7.     One piece of drift wood was the difference between wanting to go dolphin fishing again next year and never wanting to go fishing ever again in my life.

     8.     Pirate flags are not underrated. 

MINI SEASON

Mini Season Bitches!

Good luck today.

WELCOME TO THE KEYS

Mini Season Starts This Week

Well the time we have all been waiting for is finally here. Mini season starts this week and we arrived in the Keys yesterday. The viz is not nearly as bad as we thought it might be, the storm doesn't seem to have stirred up too much junk. 

For those of you heading down this week remember to drive safe, we were stuck in traffic for an hour and a half because of some dumb ass. Besides there are always cops all along Hwy 1 and you don't want to start off your trip with a $200 ticket.

WEATHER REPORT

Tropical Storm Approaches Keys

Heavy rain continues to fall in Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands and the Lesser Antilles.

It is moving off toward the west at 10 to 15 mph. That motion and speed should bring the system toward southern Florida Friday. Showers, gusty winds and increasing surf could arrive as early as Thursday night in advance of the system.

After the system passes by Florida Friday night it should move toward the central or eastern Gulf coast. On that projected path the system would pass near or to the east of the oil spill in the northern Gulf of Mexico. The Weather Channel

Ha! Tropical storm... please. Unless its a Category 28 hurricane I don't care. In less than a week from now I am going to be diving for lobsters even if looks like the 50 year storm out there. 

Indications are that this is gonna be well into the Gulf, spreading oil all over Louisiana by the time we get to the keys, but I'm sure we will have to deal with some vis problems as a result. Last year was the first good vis trip in a while so it sucks to have to think about going back to trying to catch bugs in pea soup.

GULF OIL SPILL

Latest Fisheries Closure

No news is good news as far as I am concerned at this point.

GULF OIL SPILL

BP Plans to Stop Oil Leak (No, Really)

BP may be able to hold back the flow from its blown out Macondo well until next month, sparing the Gulf of Mexico any more oil as engineers prepare to kill the source for good.

Doug Suttles, BP's chief operating officer, said that a new cap fitted on the well's broken riser pipe last week will be kept closed indefinitely, blocking further oil from leaking into the water, while scientists continue a "well integrity test" to check for leaks below the sea bed.

Unless data readings taken inside the well indicate trouble, he said, BP hoped to keep the cap shut "all the way along to the point where we can get the well killed" - a procedure that is due to begin in the final days of July and should be complete by 13 August. 

The kill process is the only method that can end the crisis, sealing the well permanently with mud and cement, though keeping the cap closed should ensure that no further oil is spilled in the meantime. Scotsman

Could it be true? Could the end be near? At this point I am not getting my hopes up. I am just glad that after months of agonizing suspense I can feel 100% confident that this will not affect mini season... at least not this year.

Its nice to know that our trip to the keys will not be interrupted but I can't help to think about what damage this could do to the reefs. Hopefully BP can actually shut this thing off finally, especially since they opened it up last week and have been letting it spew oil unabated in order to put this new cap on.

THE SALTY METER

Click HERE for overall scores.

Intangibles

Mr. Wolf

The last time Mr. Wolf joined us on a trip he managed to find us a place to stay for free. I'm not sure if the owners actually knew we were staying there but thats besides the point. He also lends a lot of credit to our group by virtue of his full, gray beard. The rest of us schmucks show up looking like we have been sitting in a cubicle for the last 363 days, but not Mr. Wolf. Any boat that sees him skippering our vessel knows right away that there are some salty bastards aboard.

Total Intangibles Score: 8


Catching Ability

Brett

The success of our mini season lives and dies with Brett's performance. When it comes to catching lobster I would go as far as to say there are few who can rival Brett's speed and finesse. Not only does he catch lobsters faster than anyone, but he can do it with or without a tank AND without ripping off the lobsters' legs and antenna. Thus, ensuring any shorts he catches can grow-up big and strong to feed us next year. Until anyone can catch their limit in one quarter of the time Brett can I will consider him in a league of his own in this category.

Total Catching Score: 10


Experience

The Zipp

Zipper grew up lobstering in FL and he can certainly navigate his way around the boat and the keys. His main problem in this category is his patchy appearances at mini season. Although over the years Zipp has recorded many a mini season, he does not annually attend. For example, Zipp has taken the last two years off, but he is back now and hopefully has not lost a step. I think this inconsistency takes its toll more on his lobster catching skills than it does on his knowledge in other areas. When it comes to working the anchor, spotting lobster hiding spots from the bow of the boat, and taking care of gear when we get back Zipp never seems to miss a step.

Total Experience Score: 6.5

LOBSTER ALE

Take One Down and Pass it Around

When you are out shopping for some tasty beverages to take down to the Keys with you keep an eye out for this salty beer that I found. I happened to stumble across it at Total Wine, but I have no idea where else you would find it. 

Its actually not bad, and I can picture it going well with our lobster feast. Too bad its not made with lobster or it would be perfect.

Now I do realize this is a Maine lobster and typically I don't pay much attention to anything that has to do with those other guys, but when it come to a lobster beer beggars can't be choosers. So until Florida Brewing company comes out with a Florida lobster beer, Lobster Ale will have to be my lobster beer of choice.

THE SALTY METER

Click HERE for overall scores.


Intangibles

Frank

The Friz does bring a lot to the table. He bakes the banana bread each year for the ceremonial cutting of the bread, has lots of old salty dog stories about past trips, and tries to get lucky in the boat while we are all snorkeling. Unfortunately for Frank he gave lobsters herpes, which really hurt his score.

Total Intangibles score: 5


Rookie Performance

Gordon

Gordon is our most recent newbie, unfortunately for him we have no one new this season...so he is still bottom of the barrel (unless someone throws a tail in the water by accident). Gordon passed the swimming test by ripping the tail off of a bug and taking a bite out of the raw tail meat. Not quite sac level but not bad. His total lobster catch for his rookie year = 0, beers shotgunned = 8 or 9, and decks washed = 1. Not a bad overall performance but we are expecting a big step up this year.

Total Rookie Performance: 5

Drinking Ability

Sac

What he lacks in his ability to catch a lobster, sac makes up for in his in-ability to turn down a drink. You really only need to know two things about Sac's drinking ability:

1. I have never seen him turn down a drink.
2. Sac + alcoholic beverage = fun
   

No matter the time, when you need someone to drink with, you can count on sac to be by your side.

Total Drinking Score: 9.5 (We need to leave some room for improvement)

RECIPES FOR A MINI-SEASON FEAST

Lobster Stuffed Twice Baked Potatoes

Probably the most popular side dish at our annual lobster feast.

Ingredients

     1.     Potatoes (1 per person)

     2.     Lobster (1 tail per 2 whole potatoes)

     3.     Chives

     4.     Butter (1 Tablespoon/potato)

     5.     Sour Cream (to taste)

     6.     Milk (if you feel like being healthy)

     7.     Real Bacon Bits (Don't go Bacos)

     8.     Salt

     9.     Pepper

     10.   Shredded cheddar cheese (one bag usually does 4-5 potatoes)

Directions

Follow the instructions of how to de-shell the lobster tails. You will want to cook the lobster almost all the way through (allow a good 4-5 minutes of steaming for fresh tails).

Bake the Potatoes in an oven @ 400 degrees (the higher temp allows for a crispier skin) until you can easily put a fork into them.

Once the potatoes are finished take them out of the oven (you can let them cool if you want). Cut the potatoes in half (long ways) and using a spoon empty the white into a bowl.

To the bowl add half of your cheese and all the butter. Mash & add Sour - Cream and Milk until you have a fairly smooth consistency (think mashed potatoes). Add Bacon, half your chives, salt & pepper (go light here as you will add a little more later). Mix well

Chop Lobster into bite-sized pieces. Add lobster to bowl. Mix

Re-fill skins with filling (don't be afraid to over-stuff).

Top with remaining cheese & chives. Crack sea-salt and pepper on top.

Place back into the oven @ 400 for 5-10 minutes or until cheese is fully melted.

THE SALTY METER

Click HERE for overall scores.

Catching Ability

Sack

While Sack may have a lot of positive qualities, catching lobster is not one of them. His natural ability to fail at getting below the surface of the water has pretty much resulted in him being relegated to the on-board veteran. His job is to oversee the remeasuring of the lobsters and keeping track of the catch count. Over the last two trips Sack has not managed to catch a single lobster, be it legal or short. Some off-season pool training may soon be required because until he can at least catch a baby lobster his score in this category is going to be painful.

Total Catching Ability Score: 0


Experience

Brett

One of the most experienced lobstermen on our trip Brett has been catching lobsters since before he could swim. Rumor has it that his family operates like the ancient Spartans, if you can't catch lobsters by age 7 you are sent to walk the plank and left for the ghost lobster to decide your fate. The only people with more experience than Brett are the old salty dogs who initiated him. While there is a lot to say about that, it does mean that he has a few more years to go before we can crown him a full 10.

Total Experience Score: 9


Drinking Ability

Burns

Back in the day Burns was no slouch when it came to drinking, but lately things like "a career" and "being a vagina" seem to have taken its toll on his ability to knock back Busch Lights. I'm not saying Burns can't keep up with the group, but I am saying he has lost a step in his old age. The fact that he spent one year complaining about a belly ache rather than getting drunk and forgetting about it, like a true salty lobster pirate, means that he will have to step it up this year if he wants to prove he is still a major player.

Total Drinking Ability Score: 5

GULF OIL SPILL

Latests Fisheries Closure

No movement east this week. At this rate it does not appear that mini season will be effected.

NEW LICENSE PLATE

I'm Taking it to the Streets

So I went down to the DMV today to order my new license plate, and BAM! Take that BP. 

Unfortunately it is still subject to rejection by the man but I managed to get it past their first line of defense. Its gonna take at least a month for them to make it too so I won't have it in time for mini season unfortunately.

The lady that wrote it up for me thought it was pretty funny but she did mention a few times that she was worried I might get shot. I am putting my faith in the fact that most Floridians can detect sarcasm, hopefully I don't find out the hard way that I was wrong. 

GULF OIL SPILL

Things Going So Well that BP Decides to Fuck It All Up

BP removed a containment cap from its stricken Gulf of Mexico oil well on Saturday in the first step toward installing a bigger cap to contain all the crude gushing into the sea and fouling the coast.

The manoeuvre released a torrent of oil that will spew unrestrained into the Gulf for four to seven days -- the time BP says it will take to put in place a bigger cap and seal. Officials say the new cap would capture all the oil leaking from the well and funnel it 1 mile (1.6 km) upward to vessels on the water's surface. Business Standard

I know that I have been critical about the lack of news regarding BP's attempts to stop this leak lately but this is not what I was talking about. We are two weeks away from mini season and BP decides that they need to uncap the damn leak so it can pump maximum oil into the gulf over the next seven days?! 

How are these people still in business....

THE SALTY METER

Click Here for overall scores

Rookie Performance:

Donk:

I honestly don't remember too much about Donk's rookie performance. I am pretty sure it was 5 years ago. I do know that he bagged for me (not an easy job) and he probably pitched in more money for random shit than anyone else. Both were excellent attributes. The fact that nothing else really stands out about his performance probably says it wasn't too exceptional.

Total Rookie Performance Score: 6


Intangibles:

Burns (Boooerns):

Wit and Charm can only get you so far. Fortunately for him, Burns' charms produced one of the best moments of last years season. He video-taped two (American) girls who didn't know where Washington D.C. was....(no they were not strippers). Burns' score rests purely on this and on the fact that he is the only one that really tapes things, takes pictures, and actually sends them out. Needless to say this is a score that could have drastic swings based on this years season.

Total Intangibles Score: 7

Experience:

Kenny:

Two major things in his favor:
3rd most mini-season trips out of everyone in our group.2nd most consecutive trips in the group Both lean towards a powerful experience score. The only real issue with Kenny's experience is that he grew up in a land-locked town in Mass. He didn't really start training for lobster mini-season until living in Australia when he got his dive certification. He missed out on 22 years of practice like many of the Floridians on the trip have.

Total Experience Score: 7

SAVE THE LORELEI

Lorelei Under New Management Due to Bankruptcy

A trustee, and not Carl Lindback III, will have control over the famous Lorelei property on Upper Matecumbe Key while Lindback's Lorelei Associates goes through Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization. Keys News

So apparently the Lorelei has been run into the ground and they have filed bankruptcy to avoid a foreclosure. This is some bummer news for our group who frequent this watering hole. 

Fortunately, for businesses, foreclosure and bankruptcy are not a death knell and hopefully the Lorelei can come out of this as a profitable enterprise. Because let's face it, it sure would be a shame if there were no more Giant Mermaid to grope. 

GULF OIL SPILL

Relief Well Almost Complete

The first relief well BP is drilling in the Gulf of Mexico could intercept the leaking Deepwater Horizon well in seven to 10 days, the man heading the federal response to the oil crisis said Thursday.

[Retired Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen] reiterated that despite that accelerated time frame, he's sticking with mid-August as the expected time for the "bottom kill" procedure to be completed. CNN

It's been a long time since we've heard anything regarding actually stopping this fiasco. It seems like BP has put all their faith in this relief well working. I am glad that we are getting close to possibly having this thing stopped but I think I've written that phrase about 10 times since this oil spill started. My question is, what if this relief well doesn't work?

Is there any backup plan? I haven't seen any preparation for any emergency Plan B. Oh wait, thats right, the backup plan is another relief well. I like the commitment on this one.

THE SALTY METER

Today's Entries

Click HERE for overall scores

Intangibles:

Kenny:

While his contributions may not be traditional Kenny always seems to bring something to the table that no one else can. It may be a gay man-towel, or maybe it’s as simple as his shifty eyes and strange ability to instigate things with no one else realizing Kenny is instigating it. At the very least this blog is one of his products aaanndd he found a bunch of pictures of chicks in bikini’s holding lobster, two very valuable contributions. Kenny has promised to provide something that will revolutionize mini-season this year which may have a drastic effect on his score. Until then, Kenny scores a 7.

Total Intangibles Score: 7


Catching Ability:

Captain Awesome:

Captain Awesome is a very dependable lobster catcher. On top of this he is probably the best bag handler of all time. He has a ton of experience and is one of the top catchers in our group. Occasionally he gets a little rough with the bugs causing a rare miss.

Catching score: 7.5


Drinking Ability: 

Gordon:

While it was his first trip Gordon impressed early by continuously being the protagonist for the shotgunning of beers. He did have a distinct advantage over the majority of the group as his two years of school prior to the trip helped insure that he was in top form for the occasion. Gordon pretty much drank consistently throughout the entire trip and was often the first to crack a beer in the morning yet it was always difficult to tell if he was drinking at all. Gordon can Flat out drink.

Total Drinking ability: 8*

*Gordon has a year of consulting under his belt, we will see where his stamina is in a few short weeks. It has been rumored that he has his own mug at a bar in all the cities he travels to just to make sure he stays in prime form.

GULF OIL SPILL

Latest Fisheries Closure

Enlarged Version

No changes this week to the Florida side of the boundary.

MINI SEASON STILL A GO

FWC: "No Plans to Modify or Cancel the Mini or Regular Open Seasons"

I just got some good news, straight from one of my inside sources, that the FWC is not currently considering any change to this month's upcoming mini season. By inside sources I mean a couple weeks ago I sent the FWC an inquiry about whether or not there was any concern due to the oil spill and I just received a response from them saying there is nothing to worry about. So, grab your tickle sticks fellow lobstermen cause it's bug killin' time.

After the jump: Full text of the FWC's official response.

WE NEED YOUR HELP

Send in Your Pics

So apparently there are only about seven pictures of hot girls holding lobsters on the entire interweb. If you happen to be out this mini season and snap a picture of a chica holding a lobster send it in to us at miniseason.blogspot@gmail.com. 

I'd love to do another countdown next year but I promise you I scoured the internet for weeks just to put seven months worth of quality pics together. So next year we need some help or its gonna be ugly...

GULF OIL SPILL

Latest Fisheries Closure

Enlarged Version

So rather than trying to post whenever there is a major change in the closed fishing area I figure I will just do a Monday update. Slight change from last week but still not any closer to the keys luckily.

THE SALTY METER

Salty Meter Beta Up and Running

The first incarnation of the salty meter is now up. Be aware that it is a work in progress, we will update it as the scores slowly roll in. For now it's pretty barren but pretty awesome nonetheless. Give it time and we promise it will continue to develop.

PIRATE MUSIC

Mad Caddies - Weird Beard

GULF OIL SPILL

Relief Well on Track for August

Tests show BP is on target for mid-August completion of a relief well in the Gulf of Mexico, the best hope of stopping the oil that's been gushing since April, the company said Friday.

Once the new well intersects the blown-out one, BP plans to pump heavy drilling mud in to stop the oil flow and plug it with cement.

Meanwhile, officials kept a wary eye on an area of low-pressure in the Caribbean that threatened to turn into the first tropical depression of the Atlantic season. AP

So at this point it seems pretty clear to me that not much is going to change until these relief wells are finished. BP hasn't done much of anything since they started containing and collecting some of the oil. For the last week or two all they have really done is deal with PR and lawsuits rather than attempt any other effort to stop the oil flow. 

I feel like it's Groundhog Day and the stupid gopher saw his shadow (does he ever not?) so now we have 6 more weeks of this crap to sit through.

This all coming on the same day its announced our first possible tropical storm or hurricane is on the way. The last thing I need is to step out side and feel like I'm making the sequel to Jarhead. This is gonna make for a loooonnnnggggg ass hurricane season. 

1 MONTH TO GO

NSFW Version

BAM! Saved the best for last, one more month bitches!

LOBSTER PERMIT RATE INCREASE

Starting July 1, Permit Prices Increase

The cost of two saltwater fishing permits also will go up on July 1. The snook permit will increase from $2 to $10, and lobster permits will increase from $2 to $5. FWC

Granted its only $3, but when you think about it that is like 6 Busch Lights. Anyway, you can still buy permits good for a year at the current prices, so if you purchase them before July 1st you will be covered throughout the entire upcoming lobster season.

If you want to save yourself a couple Washingtons go here to purchase licenses online. Otherwise check our FAQs to see where else you can get a license.

SPINY LOBSTER TOURNEY

Sunset Tavern, South Miami Tournament

For anyone who spends their mini season diving the Miami area there is a Spiny Lobster Tournament being held at Sunset Tavern this year. I stumbled across this last night and noticed the date for a discounted entry fee is the first of July, so I figured I should give people a heads up on it.

It is a weight tournament, with cash prizes for the top three competitors. Sounds like it would be fun, unfortunately Sunset Tavern is a little far from Islamorada for us to compete plus there is no way any of our lobsters would win.

Now if it was a speed tournament then I would bet the farm on Brett, but as far as weight goes the shallow waters of the keys don't seem to yield any behemoths. That is, not including the Ghost Lobster of course.

I used to live right next to Sunset Tavern, it's a decent little bar and there is plenty of parking at the nearby Sunset Place mall. If I was in Miami I would go check it out even if you don't enter. I bet it will be a good time full of drunken fishermen stories.

GULF OIL SPILL

Latest Fisheries Closure

Enlarged Version

At 6:00 PM today this latest closure map will go into effect. So far it does not appear the keys are in any immediate danger of having their fishing waters closed. I also ran into someone today who told me they just got back from the keys and that everything was good as usual.

I will try to start posting new area closures when significant changes occur. There is still a little over a month to go so we will need to keep watching this map pretty closely.

GULF OIL SPILL

Strippers Depend on the Ocean Too

A New Orleans strip club has filed a compensation claim against BP over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

The owners of Mimosa Dancing Girls, located on the edge of Louisiana's largest city, filed a claim because fisherman who frequent the club can no longer afford to come after a ban imposed on the industry following the spill, the Guardian newspaper reports. NineMSN

You know things are bad when strippers have to start asking for compensation. I mean the last thing people stop paying for in a recession is always booze, cigarettes, and lap dances. Don't just take my word for it, Drag Queen Ray said this about being offered $5 for a BJ, "I Didn't spend two hours getting my make-up on and all dressed up for that." I don't blame you Drag Queen Ray, I mean if your a professional you should be paid like one.

BP better pay this claim because mini season just won't be the same if Woody's goes bankrupt. I mean what will the strippers do then? They might actually have to go back to school rather than just tell everybody they are going back to school.

GULF OIL SPILL

Viva Mexico

At least 22 nations — including Britain, where BP is based — have offered oil-collecting skimmers, boom, technical experts and more to help the U.S. cope with its worst-ever environmental disaster. But their generosity comes with a price tag.

Only Mexico, with wide swaths of poverty among its population, offered the U.S. anything for free. It said it would give the U.S. government some containment boom. BP separately purchased 13,780 feet of boom and two skimmers from Mexico in early May, according to the State Department. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to Mexico for their extreme selflessness. I don't care if they donated 5 feet of boom, at least they are not being a bunch of dicks. I mean seriously England is it so hard to send a couple of bags of trash for BP to shove in the pipeline?

Come on world, get your shit together. I know this spill may be located near the US but this ocean is connected to all of us. I mean of all the countries out there we probably treat Mexicans the worst (I'm looking at you Arizona) and they are the only ones who have stepped up to help with this horrific disaster. Not only are they willing to donate boom, but I bet they will even come and spread it out for dirt cheap. That my friends is the reason why I passionately celebrate Cinco de Mayo every year.

LOBSTER HERPES

According to this report, baby lobsters have been infected with herpes and are dying prematurely. Now I won't go around naming names but I am pretty sure we all know who gave it to them.

Its bad enough I can't bang koalas without getting the clap and every time a monkey rapes me I have to get tested for AIDS, but now I have to worry about contracting herpes when I want to make-out with a lobster? Lame.

ROCKS AND HOLES

Ghost Traps are Off-Limits

While it may look like a treasure chest just sitting there on the bottom of the ocean floor, lobster traps are off-limits for divers. When you are out on the water this mini season (assuming there is one) remember that taking lobsters from traps is illegal. This is the law even if the trap has been abandoned by the owner because it was lost in a storm or you cut the buoy off of it. 

If you do come across a trap do not bag the lobsters from it and especially do not haul it onto your boat like the two morons who were just convicted of stealing lobsters down in Monroe County, thats just a little obvious. Rocks and holes are the only places you can legally take lobsters from, so leave any man made objects alone.

While it is a felony to tamper with traps I don't think anyone is going to haul you off to jail if you help free some critters from a trap that has clearly been abandoned. This is a good article I found, which provides a little more information about what you can do when you come across a "ghost trap," which is unfortunately a term for an abandoned trap and not for a trap designed to catch the ghost lobster.

BP SPILLS COFFEE

LOBSTER LINGO

Drag [drg]
- Verb

1. Pulling a diver behind the boat in an effort to spot a lobster hideout. Typically accomplished by the diver holding onto a rope similar to a water skier. When a lobster is spotted the diver drops off the line and stay on top of him while the boat circles around for the kill.

Synonyms: tow



Example: Who wants to drag the bay?

GULF OIL SPILL

While I was Out

To catch people up on what happened while I was away on my recon mission, here is a brief summary of last weeks activity:

June 5th: BP managed to cap the leak and divert some of the oil to a tanker on the surface of the ocean. LA Times

June 6th: BP boosts collection to 10,000 barrels of oil a day. LA Times

June 7th: Oil hits Florida's panhandle beaches. Orlando Sentinel

Today: Approximately 15,000 barrels a day are being collected. Reuters

THE SALTY METER

Check here for overall scores


Todays Entries:

Catching Ability:

Frank:
Undoubtedly one of the strongest lobster catchers currently walking this earth, Frank was trained from an early age in the wiles of lobstering and is a linchpin in our groups lobster catching success every year. Frank consistently vaults his free-diving wiles and it is true they are not to be trifled with.

In most groups he would easily achieve the ranking of a 10 in this category. Unfortunately for Frank he is matched up with fierce competition. After much shit-talking about his free-diving ability he was out-lobstered in a bridge free-dive showdown.

If you aren't the best in the group you can't have a 10

total catching ability lobsters: 9.5

Drinking Ability:

Donk:

In his prime very few people could hang with Donk when it came to putting down beers. Unfortunately, he has dropped about 25 lbs since his glory days, having a direct impact on his drinking salty score.

Despite this drop, Donk is probably the second easiest person in our group to convince to have a drink at any given time. All you need to do is hand it to him. His 6'3 stature combined with his vast experience at knowing how to pace himself still let him pack them in.

If you see Donk at the bar, buy him a few drinks and then listen close, you never know what the hell is going to come out of his mouth.

Donk is a steady drinker that will vary rarely get the group into any trouble but can always add to the overall atmosphere.

total drinking ability lobsters: 7

Intangibles:

The Zipp:

While you might expect the Zipp to have very few intangibles to bring to the table during Mini Season, you would only be partially correct. It is true that the number of tickle sticks he loses typically outnumbers the number of lobsters he catches, yet he brings something else to the table no one else seems to match:

Soft Hands

This is an extremely valuable resource, everyday there are endless lotioning needs and Josh is always on point.

The fact that Josh has the most popular hands on the first trip out the canal each morning must say something.

Plus he has a cool nickname (+.5).

total intangibles lobsters: 6.5

GULF OIL SPILL

Aerial Reconnaissance Mission Report

Sorry for the lack of updates last week. I was running recon over the Gulf. I spotted one oil slick outside of Louisiana but luckily nothing near the Florida coast outside of Tampa Bay.

I wish the photo was more clear. If you look really close, squint, cross your eyes, and stand on your head you can faintly make out the oil in the bottom left corner.

GULF OIL SPILL

Is it Time to PANIC?!

BP PLC, facing rising public anger in the U.S., began Monday its third attempt to contain oil from its leaking well in the Gulf of Mexico, but the risky operation could make the spill worse in the short term.

The latest procedure involves slicing off the leaking pipe at the top of the well's broken blow-out preventer, placing a cap over the leak and channeling the captured oil and gas to a vessel on the surface. BP officials said the procedure could take from four days to a week, and it already has two different caps on the ocean floor, ready to be deployed. Wall Street Journal

Over the weekend BP has admitted that the latest effort to stop the leak, operation "top kill," has failed. But no one worry because they announced today that they have a NEW PLAN!!! Oh boy, a new plan! I'm really sure this one is the one. 

Look, I am all for BP using creative solutions to fix this problem but something tells me that they have already exhausted the things that they really thought might work. I mean you don't save your best stuff for plan number four or five or whatever number they are up to at this point. 

I am staying as optimistic as anyone that this bullshit won't affect mini season this year, but we are 57 days out and now BP is saying this latest plan might INCREASE the oil. Throw in the possibility that a hurricane can cause some unforeseeable mess and I ask you this, is it time to panic?

GULF OIL SPILL

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?

BP's risky "top kill" of its ruptured Deepwater Horizon well appeared to stop the oil flow Thursday, but new data showed the Gulf of Mexico leak had already become the worst in U.S. history.

Coast Guard chief Thad Allen, who is co-ordinating the U.S. government's battle against spill, said the "top kill" maneuver begun on Wednesday by BP to plug the leak had stopped the gush of oil from the mile-deep well.

But he cautioned it was still too early to declare victory as the British energy giant pumps heavy drilling liquids, dubbed mud, into the fractured wellhead to beat back the flow of oil, before sealing it with concrete.

But government scientists confirmed fears that the Gulf of Mexico spill is set to be the worst in U.S. history, saying oil was flowing out at a rate up to four times higher than previously estimated.

Unveiling new data, they said the oil had been gushing from the burst pipe at a rate of between 12,000 to 19,000 barrels a day — much higher than the previous estimate of 5,000 barrels a day. Montreal Gazette

No way! BP underestimated the amount of oil coming out of the pipes? I don't believe it for a second. If it is any consolation at least its not the worst oil spill in the history of the world... yet.

Finally, mini season is looking a little brighter and its never too early to start celebrating, right George?

2 MONTHS TO GO

There are definitely worse ways to die.

GULF OIL SPILL

The Revolution WILL Be Televised

BP says it will continue to provide a live video feed of the ruptured pipe gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico during Wednesday's planned top kill procedure to seal the well. CNN

Apparently, BP has changed its tune and will grant the teeming masses a front row seat to "Top Kill", which is being billed as a viscous-pumping thriller starring the unstoppable and daring tandem of Maverick and James Bond as they attempt to plug the indomitable oil spill. "Tower, this is Ghost Lobster requesting a flyby."

BP could not dramatize, to its detriment, this disaster anymore if it hired Jerry Bruckheimer. Why not just call it BP's "If-This-Fails-Fuck-It-You-Deal-With-It-Obama-Top-Kill". That is where this has to be going if your six thousandth proposed solution is called Top Kill. BP is already setting itself up for failure by using this stupid name that any casual observer would perceive to be the end-all solution based on the name Top Kill. Meanwhile, the method is expected to unleash for your viewing pleasure a lot more oil from the open pipe than is currently being released and only has a 60% percent chance of succeeding (about what Shaq shoots from the line), not to mention that this is the first time it is being attempted at such a deep depth.

Anyway, get your popcorn ready. Here's hoping Top Kill is successful:

ITS ALIVE!!!

The Future of Mini Season has Arrived

On December 12, 2009 I had a vision, an epiphany if you will. For over five months I have been working on my top secret project (along with a few trusted insiders) that will reinvent the mini season game. I am proud to announce that today my vision has finally come to life.

My masterpiece will be unveiled at this year's mini season and I promise it will be well worth the hype. It will strike fear into the hearts of lobsters and envy into the hearts of all others.

This project has been a labor of love and dedication to every detail. If I am remembered for anything in life, it might just be this. So stick around because on July 28th lobster hunting will be changed forever.

GULF OIL SPILL

The Revolution Will Not be Televised

BP has told the chairman of the House subcommittee on energy and the environment that it will be killing the live feed video of the spill at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico while it attempts to seal the well using the "top kill" procedure, Rep. Edward Markey said in a statement.

The statement said BP informed Markey's office the feed would be "terminated" sometime Wednesday. CNN

The live feed of the oil leak that we posted last week is going to be shut off on Wednesday while BP tries to fix this mess. Apparently they don't want everyone to see them screw up again. While I am not too sad that it won't be live, for one I wouldn't have time to watch it and for two I'm sure the feed would be bogged down by traffic, it would be nice to watch an edited version later on.

Its a pretty weak move by BP if you ask me, its obvious that they either don't want people to see something go horribly wrong or they want to release the video as a PR stunt. Of course if you ask the conspiracy theorists like me they would tell you that the real reason is that BP is in cahoots with the Ghost Lobster to ruin mini season, and that this attempt to plug the pipe is as faked as the moon landing.